yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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