why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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