just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
where are my eyebrows?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
