This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Randomize
