smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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