Swine flu. Run for my life!
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
