Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize