apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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