if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Come on in and take your pants off
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