Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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