he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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