I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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