just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
