Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
