So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
