call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
