I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
