My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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