my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
