Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
