I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
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