so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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