im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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