Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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