New low: just hacked my moms facebook
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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