I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
