I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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