tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
