I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
