I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he was CRYING into my vagina
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Randomize
