That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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