im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize