Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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