My hair reeks of homosexuality.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
