You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Oh god it's open bar.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
