New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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