All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
