dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
