You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
