u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
