Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
