Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
