rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
