peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
