You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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