she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize