hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
