i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Come back. Shots need mouths.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
