he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
