Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
