If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
