meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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