Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
