If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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