Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
