Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
