Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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