he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
