come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
